I lived in the dorms for almost my entire college career. About this time of year (every year), my hallmates and I started getting a little cranky. We were tired of being cooped up together all semester, antsy for Christmas break so we could see our families, and stressed out over upcoming finals. There was a lot of bickering, accusations, and insults.
I’ve seen something very similar going on across the stationery community the last couple of weeks, and it’s really sad and disheartening. I’m not going to rehash the events that unfolded, and I’m not going to call anyone out. I am, however, going to let you know what I saw, how it made me feel, and hopefully add a little perspective that makes you think.
The Great Stationery War
Over the last two weeks, I watched three companies make decisions or engage in practices that some found questionable. I watched people hurl insults and demand answers in response. I watched people resort to name-calling when they didn’t like the answers that came back, and I watched people jump to conclusions if answers didn’t come back at all. I watched (listened) as a podcast went on full attack toward one of the companies. I then watched as other podcasters and bloggers reprimanded the first podcast for their behavior.
In short, I saw outrage directed at companies, outrage directed at individuals, and outrage directed at the outrage. I saw anger, abuse, and a whole lot of people assuming bad intentions.
Over what? Notebooks and backpacks.
A Little Perspective
I know there are bigger issues at play than just notebooks and backpacks. Some of the actions around these products struck nerves with people, and I’m not trying to diminish the bad feelings caused by those actions. Just to be clear: I believe gendering notebooks is dumb and unnecessary. But is it worthy of outrage or vitriol?
I’m going to do something I don’t normally do: open up and give you a glimpse of my private life. I haven’t shared most of this publicly, so I’m really stepping out of my comfort zone here. Here’s a synopsis of the last couple years of my life:
- In August 2016, my 39-year-old wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s gone through two surgeries, chemo, radiation, and maintenance treatments that have kicked her ass for the last 16 months. She’s only now starting to feel normal again.
- In 2015, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in both lungs. She went through two operations and radiation, only to have the cancer come back in late 2016. This time, it migrated to two lymph nodes, which shot the cancer all over the place. She spent 2017 going through aggressive chemo and radiation, only to have the cancer pop up in her spine, her arm, and then back into her lungs. She lost her battle, passing away on October 21. She suffered far more than she deserved, and I’m still feeling the sting.
- In August 2017, my wife’s cousin lost a long battle with melanoma. He was 42 and left behind an amazing wife and two beautiful daughters. He suffered a lot, too.
- One week later, one of my cousins passed away unexpectedly after complications from surgery. He was 52.
- And the last thing I’ll mention is that I suffer from chronic migraines that have gotten worse over the past several years. They hit me almost every day. Sometimes twice a day. It’s accurate to say that I spend an inordinate amount of my life in pain.
I could list a few more things, but I think you get the picture. The last couple years have been kind of miserable. Then I look at the outrage of the past two weeks. Are you kidding me? Maybe these companies made mistakes. Maybe they made bad decisions. Maybe they did things that offended people. But in the grand scheme of things, it’s very petty stuff that doesn’t warrant the response. It’s not cancer, people.
Look, I have an amazing hobby that brings me joy, helps me relax, gives me reason to interact with people all over the world. Of course, that hobby is stationery. Fountain pens, ink, paper…it’s all luscious and it’s a world I can get lost in for hours. In addition to using and reviewing these things, I can read blogs about them, watch videos about them, and listen to podcasts about them. It’s really quite remarkable.
It’s my hobby, and it’s supposed to be fun. Hasn’t been much fun the last two weeks, though.
The Culture of Outrage
It’s not just our community. The entire world has gone nuts. People regularly fly into a rage over all sorts of things, big and small. There’s anger, abuse, victim mentality, baiting, entitlement, narcissism, polarization, and politicizing. And it’s everywhere. We live in a culture of outrage, where mistakes and missteps are deemed unforgivable, where statements are taken out of context and used to incite unrest, and where people who don’t fully understand something immediately assume negative intent (or gross negligence) and launch their own attack.
The whole thing is disgusting, and it bit us in the ass pretty good these past two weeks.
Misplaced Rage
Now, I’m going to say it again: I believe his/her notebooks are dumb. It’s insensitive. If you were offended by the situation, I don’t fault you, and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But was there actual harm? I honestly don’t see it. I heard someone use a hypothetical example of a little boy asking his parent to buy the floral notebooks and being told, “no, those are for girls.” (RSVP Podcast, Episode 17) Sorry, I don’t buy that. That’s 100% a reflection of the parent’s belief system, not the marketing. If a parent is going to say that to their son, they’re going to say it whether it’s labeled as a women’s notebook or not. The label won’t change anyone’s response.
Do I have an example to support this bold and ridiculous claim? Well, of course I do.
Story Time! I was in Jr. High when parachute pants were all the rage (NOT Hammer Pants! I’m talking about the nylon ones with all the pockets.). This was also before the term “all the rage” was all the rage. Another hot piece of attire was this cool nylon jacket with a big zippered pocket on the front. You could remove the jacket, turn it inside out, stuff it inside its own pocket, and fasten it around your waist like a fanny pack. I know: Stylin! The huge pocket was great for contraband: candy bars, bubble gum, squirt guns, erasers pilfered from the chalkboard, etc. The catch? These were women’s jackets, sold in a women’s fashion store. We weren’t old enough to drive or get a job, so we had to ask our parents to take us there. I asked my mom to take me to the women’s store, she asked why, I told her about the jacket, and she said okay. The next day, I went to school wearing a women’s jacket stocked with a squirt gun and a pack of Bubblicious (both were confiscated by the end of the day). My mom didn’t care if it was made for/meant for women. I wanted it, so she got it for me. It’s the parent, not the marketing.
Now just to be fair…
I’m a guy, so I might not be the best one to give an opinion on this gendered notebook thing. So I approached a few women I know and presented them with the situation. These are strong women. Left-leaning, but not nutters. These are women who will tell you if you’re being offensive. I chose them specifically for that reason. Unanimously, they stated that they didn’t see a problem with the gendered notebooks. None of them were offended. In fact, all of them said, “Who cares?”
I’m not saying these companies are blameless. I’m not saying that anyone offended wasn’t justified. But I am saying that the outrage I saw over these issues is unreasonable and unwarranted. All of it. As of right now, we don’t know the true story behind those notebooks. How can you justify outrage over something when you simply don’t know the reasoning/events behind it? And regarding the backpacks, I heard one of the owners explaining things on a podcast, and his story was reasonable and made sense. Yes, they have terrible communication. But in no way do I think there was any malice or wrongdoing on their part. They’re just not good business people (yet).
Points to Ponder
The stationery community gave itself a black eye these last two weeks. The college crankiness I mentioned earlier always seemed to dissipate over winter break. We’d come back in January like nothing had ever happened. It was like cabin fever. We just needed to get away for a bit. I’m hoping that the events of the past two weeks follow the same pattern. We are a community after all. We’re going to have disagreements and sometimes arguments. But as any community, we should be looking out for each other, supporting each other, respecting each other, COACHING each other, and trying to understand each other. There’s room for all of us.
I’d like to close with some questions to think about.
- The retailer selling the notebooks is not one I’ve ever bought from. I don’t like them or their products. But I checked out their online shop this week to see how things were set up. The ENTIRE shop is divided into two sides: Women’s and Men’s. They don’t have a third, gender-neutral category at all (probably never needed one before). Has anyone considered the possibility that the notebooks were labeled as men’s & women’s because of how the site is structured? Adding a third category might require a whole reconfiguration of the site. Maybe new code. They can’t be screwing with that at Christmas-time. Especially not for $15 notebooks that are only temporarily in stock.
- My previous question accounts for the categories, but not for the fishing ones going to the men’s side and the flowers going to the women’s side. Do we know for a fact that they didn’t hold customer focus groups to pick designs? As a company, they want to sell things. It’s common to assemble focus groups to see how designs/products will be received. I would expect that they had a big pile of designs to choose from. Who did they share the designs with? Did they have people rate them or vote on them? How may people were involved in the selection process? Is it possible that they went with those specific designs because data from focus groups of actual customers indicated those were the designs most likely to sell to each demographic? I mean…that’s the kind of things companies do, right?
- And what about the printing company? Why would anyone assume they were negligent with choosing to partner with the retailer if we don’t know what they discussed? The retailer has new executive management, so is it unreasonable to think they deserve the opportunity to act more responsibly? Say the retailer did hold focus groups and told the printer, “we want notebooks to go with our men’s and women’s lines, and here are the designs our customers indicated would sell best.” Is that unreasonable? Why would/should the printing company question that?
- As far as the backpacks, did anyone get screwed out of their money or their backpacks? Did any unhappy customers not walk away with their problem resolved? If they’re taking care of everyone, why the outrage?
- And what of the attacking podcast? Were they being malicious, or did they just get carried away, not realizing the full effect of what they were saying? Did we miss a teaching/coaching opportunity to reach out to them and help them understand the effects and perceptions of their words?
There’s a lot we don’t know. And because of that, there have been a lot of assumptions made, and a lot of ugly comments stemming from those assumptions. Sometimes people do or say things that are insensitive or offensive. Sometimes people don’t tell you what’s going on when they should. Sometimes people are just evil. But I think we owe it to ourselves and to each other to investigate the truth and build opinions around facts, complete pictures, and the understanding that we’re all human beings and deserve to be treated with care and dignity.
What Do You Think?
Am I out of line? Am I clueless? Am I too forgiving? Am I full of crap? I’d love to know your thoughts on my perspective.
[Edited Dec. 15, 2017 – Added attribution/link]
Thank you for such a thoughtful, insightful and in-depth post! I am completely in the “who cares?” camp with your female friends – if I don’t like the way a product is marketed, it’s pretty easy to avoid purchasing it. You, however, have given it a great deal more examination and perspective, which I appreciate. Thank you for posting a level-headed assessment of the situation, Ken! After all, as you pointed out, isn’t this about stationary products? Aren’t there far greater problems on which to focus our energies?
May your holidays be happy and inky!
Thank you so much for the kind words and for taking the time to leave a comment. This whole thing has really been eating at me and I finally just sat down and wrote it all out. I almost abandoned it a few times thinking it may come off as whiny or preachy, so I really appreciate the positive feedback. Have a wonderful, safe, and healthy holiday season!
You nailed it! Thank you so much for the perspective and the stories. (I too owned and wore a pair of parachute pants and was jealous of my one friend with said jacket). You vocalized what I’ve been feeling as well. Thank you again for this. Perfect in so many ways.
Michael, thank you very much. I really appreciate the support and the kind words (as well at the retweet and follow in IG)! It’s always a little nerve-wracking to make a post like this, so I’m happy to know I’m not alone in my thinking. Thank you!
Ken – thanks for this insightful post. Sharing some of your personal stuff helps put things into perspective (I noticed on your Twitter profile that you’re also a NY Giants fan and this year’s performance likely caused even more suffering for you).
I think some of the outrage is fomented by what seems to be an increase in the number of ‘pen community’ blogs, podcasts, you tube channels, slack rooms, etc. – all need new content to discuss, so the details of every new release, good and bad, are the subject of lots of discussion and scrutiny.
Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment. You’re likely right on the source of some of the outrage. Also, I think a lot of it is probably sparked by heat-of-the-moment reactions, which in turn spark similar responses in others, and before you know it you’ve got an angry mob fueling itself. It happens fast and it’s easy to get caught up in it.
I definitely see your point. You’ve clearly thought a lot about this.
I’ve also thought a lot about it.
I got B-16, I-26, N-32, N-58, N-43, G-55, O-28 and O-61.
https://allysonmwhipple.com/2012/12/28/feminist-friday-derailment-bingo/
Passive aggressive much? Although it feels like you came here to put me in my place and dismiss my perceptions on all of this, I do appreciate you respond through and taking the time to leave a comment. Thank you.
I’m trying to work on losing the passivity. 😀 But you’re absolutely right, that was a bit much. My apologies, this is of course your space. (I have recently started leaning toward not even commenting on blogs where comments aren’t moderated; my troll tolerance is near zero lately.)
On the one hand, I would like for thoughtful people to consider the greater ramifications of seeing someone who is upset, about something that’s happened in a community or regarding an issue they feel passionate about, and writing publicly about how unimportant it is. Particularly when the person dismissing the issue doesn’t happen to belong to whatever group is upset, and particularly when it’s done using the kind of dismissive language parodied in the Derailment Bingo game. For example, it’s easy to read your position as suggesting “they must not have any REAL problems or they wouldn’t be upset by this.” Your observation that you asked some women and they didn’t care is an example of another common strategy used to silence people who complain about the status quo. Derailment is *exactly* about silencing challenges to the status quo.
On the other hand, I honestly applaud you for considering the issue as deeply as you have and for being willing to work through your thoughts in a public way. If more people were willing to do that, the world might be different. I mean, we have a social media environment in which everyone is sharing their feelings all the time, but what you’ve done here–a long-form, edited, considered analysis of your view of the situation–is much less common. And it’s sadly rare to see people revisiting their own position or demonstrating any real willingness to consider changing it in the light of new evidence–I honestly commend you for that as well.
I don’t know you, and I shouldn’t have assumed you were being dismissive just because your comments happened to be similar to some I’ve encountered in the past. But I will defend myself at least this far: I’m quite capable of *at one and the same time* recognizing that something is frivolous and also thinking that it’s deeply problematic, or a symptom of larger problems, or even an example that can be used to help people understand something bigger.
Thank you so much, Lenore. All your points are absolutely valid, initial comment included. I tried really hard in my initial post to be respectful and understanding of all involved, and to stress that I’m not excusing the companies or giving them a pass. But I completely understand how some of my comments could seem dismissive, especially to those who are closer to these issues than I am. Please know that I didn’t intend to dismiss or diminish anyone’s feelings, perceptions, or experiences
(Whoops. I hit send before I was done.)
And I apologize if my post or followon comments painted that picture. I do appreciate your time and effort in stopping by and engaging in discussion, and for sharing your perspective. There will never be a time where everyone fully understands everyone else. But if we’re kind to each other and make an effort, I think we can get a lot closer. Thank you again!
he’s derailing his own article?
How so?
Excellent insights, and off course my only complaint about your piece in general is that since you’ve left all identifying marks off your argument, we can’t dive in and relish the whole debacle firsthand. Perfectly appropriate of course, but in the same way it’s like hearing about a terrible accident on the highway and not being able to drive past the damned thing to see it for one’s self.
Thanks, Steve. As always, I appreciate the kind words. I know it’s probably annoying that I left out the names, but a lot of feelings were hurt and I didn’t want to pile on. I wasn’t here to scold or point the finger, only to share my take on it.
And of course your take is valuable, Ken. And your approach is perfectly correct. Don’t misunderstand me, it’s basically just my sense of humor about the arena-like sensibility of the safely Anonymous crowds on the internet who no doubt crane their necks to try to look at the debacle that you so vividly described.
It normal it normally would not be something I would even have engaged, except that I lost my mother to cancer when I was young, and my 12 year old daughter is a survivor of eight and a half years, so you certainly engaged me with your honesty and forthrightness, and it helped drive your point home quite well.
You manage to balance your very engaging take on writing media and your vividly described personal perspective on other issues, and it is quite refreshing. Keep up the good work.
Thank you, Steve. I’m sorry to hear about your mother and daughter, but happy to hear that your daughter beat it. I hope she never has to wage that battle again. Cancer is such an ugly and hateful disease.
Hi! I appreciate your analysis of the matter. I don’t think we know each other, but I’ve been a pencil blogger for the last 9 years and have co-hosted a podcast, about pencils and other stationery things, for the last 3.5 years.
Though there are a few nuances I want to express, mainly about the Field Notes x Abercrombie collaboration.
1. I think the people you want to ask “where’s the harm” in gendered notebooks are the people who don’t identify with or conform to either male or female identities. Or transgender people.
2. It’s less about the harm of the products themselves, as it is about the decisions the company makes that goes into it. I think that Abercrombie has proved, time and time again, that their discrimination causes real harm, and the Field Notes partnership with them just shows that they’re complicit in it. Which is what stings the most.
3. And it further stings because Field Notes has been completely radio-silent on the matter. I think it’s too early to really see what their thoughts and feelings are, but some acknowledgment from Field Notes that people are being heard, would go a *long* way.
4. To answer the question “Who cares?” — well, you do, clearly. Else, why did you take the time to write 2100 words about this matter?
5. Outrage is not a zero sum game. I think 2017 has proven that. One is allowed to be outraged about stationery company missteps as well as Net Neutrality reversals, senatorial races, discrimination against women and people of color, and lots, lots more. This “culture of outrage” is not new, and is what drives change. The difference is that now we have ways to amplify that outrage more quickly and virally than before (like this very blogging platform and other social media).
6. You may not have intended for this to be, but this post feels very dismissive and derailing of what is an effort to hold the brands we know and love (for me: Blackwing, Field Notes, Baron Fig, and more) to a higher standard. Speaking only for myself, I am entrenched in the stationery community and have personal, actual friendships made from it. “They’re just notebooks” is true, but there are companies behind these notebooks, and people behind these companies. Shrugging and saying “they’re just notebooks” is to be shortsighted about the very people you interact with, buy products from, and (intentionally or unintentionally) promote.
I willingly stay on the sidelines of the stationery community, but a link from Twitter led me here. I”m glad you mentioned the dismissive language here, Andy, because I felt the derision dripping from every word.
It is very possible to care about devastating personal events and the state of the world while also caring about how and what a company’s business decision reflects on what they think about — or *don’t* think about — your identity. It stings, it becomes very personal, and it informs how you walk through the world and the decisions you make as a consumer. Some people are incredibly fortunate (dare I say privileged?) not to have to make these decisions every day, but some of us live it.
Ken, I don’t know you, so I won’t venture to make any assumptions about your personality. All I can say is the words you wrote here made you seem blinkered, obstinate, and dismissive. They felt off-putting, and exclusionary.
There are uses for outrage; it isn’t just a matter of mindless blathering from “nutters” (to use your word). Outrage and feelings of injustice are how people begin to inspire and influence change in communities they care about and are members of. I wish you could see it as such.
👋 Cecily! Welcome to the far reaches of the internet, right smack in the middle of the stationerysphere. 😊
Andy, thank you so much for reaching out on this…you make some amazing points. I definitely know who you are. I know I’ve read some posts on your site, but I haven’t listened to your podcast. Pencils really aren’t my jam. I’ve been using a Blackwing lately, and it’s nice, but I write small and pencils wear down quickly. A tip that keeps getting wider and the necessity to keep stopping to sharpen become more of a distraction for me. My apologies for not replying sooner. I was at work when your comment came in, and I wanted to be able to put some thought into a reply.
(#1) is an excellent point that hadn’t even crossed my mind.
(#2) – I agree about the company decisions being the most harmful. But I’m not ready to jump to calling it “complicity,” (yet) simply because I don’t know what conversations happened. There’s a possibility that there is nothing to be complicit with. There’s also a possibility that FN just doesn’t care. There are also many possibilities in between. The fact that you’re using the word “complicit” while not knowing the whole story indicates that you’re assuming negative intent. You’re basically assigning blame before you know that blame is warranted.
(#3) – Yeah, radio-silence makes it look fishy. I can’t argue with that. However, assuming guilt because they haven’t answered questions is faulty logic. We don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. They could have had a disaster with the Spring edition or had several people get the flu while they’re trying to keep up with holiday sales. I know, I’m making excuses for them…but my point is that we don’t know the reason for radio silence. Might be legitimate. Might not. But until we know for sure (or before an unreasonable amount of time passes with no word), I think it’s unfair to assume guilt of any wrongdoing.
(#4) You’re absolutely right: I do care. The “Who cares” comments were from those I spoke with and only in relation to the notebooks. I care very deeply. What bothered me most was the ugliness being fired around at people. I never meant to imply that I don’t care. In fact, I hoped how much I do care showed through. I hate seeing people in this community hurting each other.
(#5) I agree that outrage has its place. Net Neutrality is a perfect example. In this case, the feds just don’t care. They’re hell-bent on helping the telecoms & media giants at the expense of everyone else in this country (and beyond). The feds are not listening. Outrage may be the only way to wake them up. Feelings of outrage are natural and justified. We can’t control being offended, being hurt, being angered. I’m not asking anyone to NOT feel outraged…that would be an absurd request that’s impossible to achieve. But the actions we take based on that outrage are fully within our control, and I think it’s inappropriate to lash out and attack people and companies (which are run by people) based on assumptions rather than the truth. We may never know the truth, which will naturally lead us to draw our own conclusions. By then, they’ll have had the time to answer questions, and will have to deal with the repercussions. In 1692/1693, 20 people were executed based on faulty assumptions of malice (among other things). I’d like to think we’ve moved beyond witch-hunts.
(#6) When I read the first comment that called out dismissiveness, I was surprised. I tried very hard to be respectful to everyone, and I wondered how anyone could see that in my post. Then others echoed the perceptions, and it became apparent that I did come off as dismissive to some people. You’re right, though, it was not my intention. I mean, the point of my post was that people should be treating each other better…I’m not going to go around intentionally beating people down at the same time. I looked over my post with a little more critical eye, and I see where people are coming from. Again, it wasn’t my intention, but I understand the perception. Regarding the “shrugging,” I stated several times that I’m not excusing the companies or giving them a pass. I don’t feel that I shrugged off what they did (although if you believe my post to have been dismissive, then the perception of shrugging is understandable). And then you mentioned intentional/unintentional promotion. I don’t feel I promoted any of these companies in my post. I flat out stated that I don’t like AF and have never bought their products. That won’t change. I don’t own any BF products. They seem like decent people, but their products don’t really appeal to me. FN I do like. I’m not going to cancel my subscription over one situation, especially since I don’t know their side of the story. If it becomes a trend or unsavory details emerge, that may change. But I don’t feel that I put them on a pedestal, and I certainly didn’t state or imply that people should spend (or avoid spending) their money with these companies.
In summation: It is my belief that people offended by these companies have every right to feel angry/hurt/outraged, have every right to complain and ask questions, and have every right to boycott. But if that anger is born from faulty assumptions and it manifests in insults, abuse, and tirades, then I have a problem with it.
Andy, thank you gain for your insights and comments…and for the opportunity to engage in discussion. I know there are things we’ll probably never agree on, but I appreciate that you reached out and the spirit of learning with with you approached me. You helped me see a different perspective. It doesn’t really change my opinion on the drama and ugliness that transpired, but it helps me understand some of the critical comments I received. Thank you very much.
This was terrific. Thank you. I wasn’t enjoying my hobby the last few weeks either because it sounded too much like CNN. I felt like the craziness of the world invaded. Your words were spot on.
Thank you very much for reading and for the nice comment. I’m hoping all the drama was just a growing pain in the community, and that everyone moves forward with a little more kindness and in a more responsible fashion.
Great article, Ken. While I love pens, paper and all sorts of stationary supplies, almost to obsession with having to have them, I’m not a part of any community regarding them, although I do enjoy when I catch your reviews! I will say I needed this today – to put some work stress I’ve been having into perspective. It’s not cancer. It’s not something that is going to change my life, regardless of how it plays out. And as for “gendered” notebooks, I guess my opinion is, if people don’t like it, don’t buy it. I haven’t heard that there was any impending notebook embargos on the horizon – as far as I know, they’re available prettymuch anywhere – and the online market must be enormous. There are far more important things to worry about! Again, wise words I needed today! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks, Sara! I’m glad you found my post useful. Thank you for reading.
Like others, I appreciate your willingness to give these issues some thought and to respond in a measured way to the discussions that folks are having about the potential problems related to the creation and marketing of products that are meaningful to stationery enthusiasts.
I think it’s important to recognize that the feelings of disappointment, betrayal, or outrage that some folks feel is not “just” about notebooks and backpacks. Many people face oppression, discrimination, and injustice on a daily basis simply for being who they are. Oppressions like racism, sexism, homophobia, and transphobia, etc. are real phenomena, and folks who are subject to these forces have to combat them at every level of their lives, in large ways and small. If some stationery enthusiasts have attuned themselves to the implications of the Field Notes/Abercrombie & Fitch partnership, it is because we know first hand that sexism, transphobia, homophobia, and racism matter. We find ourselves up against those forces all the time. The habits that we nurture, the objects we surround ourselves with, and the passions we indulge are often responses to crushing systems that would dehumanize and diminish us. I’m guessing that many of us who love to collect and use paper, pencils, pens, and such do so because we are comforted by the ways in which they offer some respite from the often cruel systems that grind away around us. And some of us use these tools to respond to those forces. So when stationery or pens or what-have-you get pitched to us in ways that are designed to reinforce oppressive norms, some of us respond from a visceral place. I have no problem with notebooks featuring vintage floral prints that evoke my grandparents’ wallpaper or old-timey scenes of fishing on the river. But when they are labeled women’s and men’s and can ONLY be found in either women’s or men’s accessories sections on a vendor’s website, then I think it’s completely fair to point out the problem and ask those involved in those decisions to respond. Ultimately these businesses will do what they want, but customers, subscribers, and fans can also entitled to respond to their decisions by saying, “hey, we think you can do better.”
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Sooo, this: “I heard someone use a hypothetical example of a little boy asking his parent to buy the floral notebooks and being told, “no, those are for girls.” Sorry, I don’t buy that. That’s 100% a reflection of the parent’s belief system, not the marketing. If a parent is going to say that to their son, they’re going to say it whether it’s labeled as a women’s notebook or not. The label won’t change anyone’s response.”
You might want to search and then cite your sources, since you’re quoting my tweet and what I said on my podcast. (Anyone interested, You can listen to me on Episode 17 of RSVP: Stationery Podcast my tweets are @originallcharper)
I could give you many many stories from people I know personally who grew up with fine parents who in an unthinking moment said, “No you can’t have that, it’s for boys/girls” to their girl/boy child. Parent’s don’t do this because they’re bad, they do it in an unthinking moment. Because we are all susceptible to marketing, even good parents. Sometimes parents do it to support gender roles they believe their child should be fulfilling. I could tell you my story of when my grandmother said something similar to me, as well as to my brother (who is straight.) My grandmother is a lovely lady who wasn’t thinking, and when she saw the labels, did what she thought was best in that moment. It didn’t reflect deeper thought on her part, just a fast reaction when kids were asking for something. It still sucked to experience.
This is a constant narrative that LGBTQIA kids deal with. It’s nice that your parents were cool enough to buy you the women’s jacket you wanted. It’s awesome, but in one fell swoop you dismiss the stories of so many oppressed folks because it doesn’t fit your narrative.
“It’s not a problem because it doesn’t happen in my sphere of friends.” Another side of that is, maybe your friends don’t tell you those stories. Maybe your friends all reflect your experiences. This isn’t uncommon, most people pick a circle of friend that reflect their values and principles, sociological research backs that up.
You list the tragedies that have recently occurred in your life, for those I am truly sorry, cancer, death, etc all suck and are terrible things to experience. But here again you assume that those of us talking about these things haven’t experienced tragedy. I could sit here and get into a “who has it worst” contest with you but don’t assume that my life is unicorns farting rainbows and fluffy kittens. Frankly it isn’t. Stationery is how I unwind after a stressful week of dealing with my own personal tragedies.
You make another assumption that no one has reached out to the offending podcast (BYOB) to talk to them. I myself have talked to two of those hosts about what I think went wrong. They apologized for their actions and behaviors. They have taken to heart the feedback they have gotten, and they have gotten plenty. I have no doubt that many of the hosts of that podcast will move on and do better.
I might suggest, as someone who has been blogging since 2002, specifically about stationery and art supplies since 2006, and podcasting since this summer, that when you are discussing and talking about specific people (despite not mentioning their names), and quoting their podcasts and tweets, that you reach out to those people and get the rest of the story before you apply your own narrative to the story about others you are telling in a public forum. I assume that you’d be bummed out if I went onto my podcast or blog and talked about this post without using your name and website and then made all sorts of assumptions about you without talking to you.
You’re right. I did not attribute you. I was keeping names out of it because I felt that people were dragged through the mud enough and I didn’t want to make that worse. I’d be happy to go back in and add an attribution/link if you would like. And for what it’s worth, I didn’t make “all sorts of assumptions” about you. My only opinion was that I believed your example to be faulty. I just found your podcast this week, and it was because of all the drama. I hadn’t heard of you before that, so I haven’t had the time to develop any opinions or assumptions about you (especially anything concerning unicorns farting rainbows and fluffy kittens). I appreciate your point of view and that you took the time to share your thoughts. I will say, though, that my post was never intended to be a piece of investigative journalism. I was recounting what I saw and how it made me feel, and I stated that up front. I’m sure there were many tweets, posts, and conversations that I never saw. But what I did see was awful. And I wrote about it. I’m sorry that I offended you. Please let me know if you would like me to add the attribution, and I will. Thank you.
You should add the citation/credit, not because I want it, but because you quote me directly and even opinion pieces that use direct quotes should use proper citations.
I’m not offended, rather I find it interesting that you in one fell swoop dismissed the example I used as invalid because it doesn’t fit your narrative.
As the person who conducted the interview that many people didn’t like, a great deal of the vitriol you read was directed at me. I was at work so I was insulated from a great deal of the hateful contents (thanks goodness)- many had been deleted by the time I got home and had access to the internet in full, but what I read later in chat rooms that folks thought were private was… unbelievable. I’m glad that I had read the apologies first and read the hate later.
We spend a lot of time on RSVP discussing the greater isms that affect us as women and as minorities in stationery, or that color our thinking about stationery. Our holiday gift guide had a lengthy discussion about social expectations around gifts and the socioeconomics around gift giving. I hope that you’ll check out some of our other episodes (or the upcoming special ep with Brad of The PEn Addict) and give us a chance to make you think. 🙂
I’ll add the citation tonight when I get home from work. Point taken on the example/narrative.
To be honest, I’m not making the connection between the interview and vitriol you mention. Was that the one with Joey Cofone? At one point during the BYOB Baron Fig stuff, I skipped ahead because it was rough and went on too long, and I didn’t hear any hate directed at you up to that point. I also wasn’t in the chat room and didn’t see the Twitter stuff before it was deleted, so I was unaware that you were under attack. Most of what I saw was directed at BF and BYOB. I actually really enjoyed your interview with Joey. I appreciated getting to hear him tell his story, and I’m sorry you caught hate for it.
Thank you for the dialogue. I appreciate it. And I’m looking forward to see where you take the podcast.
Well, as they say, “ask and ye shall receive.”